Saturday, June 10, 2017

Levine's Laws

I find these laws to be self evident…

There are more New York cab drivers who speak English than all the night nurses in all metropolitan hospitals combined.

Theatre audiences will always boo an Adam Sandler trailer yet he will keep getting movies.

There is not one mohel who doesn’t think he’s a comedian. There is not one mohel who is right.

If a waiter doesn’t write down your order he will get it wrong.

If you’re telling a joke in a restaurant the waiter will arrive and interrupt the minute you get to the punch line.

There will always be one young couple that brings a baby to a slasher movie.
A hostess in an empty restaurant will always lead you to the worst table.

In every article that mentions you, no matter how complimentary, there will always be one thing said or misquoted that will prevent you from forwarding it to your family.

The heavier and more cumbersome your carry-on luggage, the farther your gate will be from the terminal.

Networks will always say they want cutting edge new shows then pick up whatever pilot Jenna Elfman is in.

When a hostess tells you it’ll only be five more minutes, they just have to clear off some tables – it’ll be twenty.

The minute you start eating on an airplane, turbulence will begin.

When a couple from the mainland gets married in Hawaii the marriage doesn’t last.

Nine out of ten tourists at Disneyland are overweight. Ten out of ten if they stay two days.

The screw up because the hospital forgot to bill the correct insurer will never ever ever be resolved.

Women will always claim the number one thing they’re looking for in a man is a sense of humor and then pick the best looking guy.

The driver in front of you is an idiot.
 
And of course, my most famous law...

The lead-off walk always comes around to score... unless he doesn't.   (I've never been proven wrong.)

19 comments :

ScarletNumber said...

> If a waiter doesn’t write down your order he will get it wrong.

This will cause me to leave no tip.

Dixon Steele said...

Like him or not, Sandler has smartly circumvented all that with his Netflix deal.

I read his latest showbiz comedy SANDY WEXLER is good...

William Kelliher said...

In 1997 I heard Joe Morgan cite a statistic on ESPN's Sunday Night Baseball that I have to wonder if it's really true. Joe said that when a team walks the bases loaded that 80% of the time they fail to get the inning ending double play and actually end up giving up at least 1 run.

brian t said...

I heard about this one elderly mohel who couldn't cut it any more, and he got the sack ...

Markus said...

There's not a (young/up-and-coming) ("model/singer/actress") in the world who doesn't think she's also got a career in (modelling/singing/acting) instead and needs to have a tell-all "auto"-biography out by the age of 21 to share her "vast life experience" with the "millions of fans" out there.

Mike Doran said...

If someone you know tells you that he never watches TV, don't believe him unless you know for a fact that he doesn't own a set.

scottmc said...

I noticed in the obituary for Glenne Headly that she was a 'caller' on an episode of FRASIER. Did the show have a bullpen of people lined up to be guest voices or was it on a case by case basis? Was there a wish list of people you had hoped to cast?

The Bumble Bee Pendant said...

One is similar to mine when teaching kids to drive:

1) all people are stupid when diving and do dangerous mindless things
2) you are a person

Cheryl Marks said...

Dave Niehaus frequently,unfortunately, quoted your "law" and always attributed it to you. My Oh My

Cap'n Bob said...

I got married in Hawaii in 1989. Still married to the same woman. Where did I go wrong?

Phil said...

Was unable to open the blog yesterday Ken. Any technical glitch?

Clara said...

Hi Ken,

Batman Adam West passed away, will you do a post on him?

Ken Levine said...

Clara,

I never met Adam West so really don't know him. But sure enjoyed his work.

Loosehead said...

Ha! Monday in Orlando, ordered sirloin, got salmon.

Chris said...

Meanwhile, the driver behind you is a moron or, occasionally, an asshole.

Robert Forman said...

"The heavier and more cumbersome your carry-on luggage, the farther your gate will be from the terminal."
And the more likely your flight will be delayed and then they change the gate.

ScottyB said...

Back in the days when people smoked everywhere: Your waiter will arrive with your food the moment you light up a cigarette.

Pete said...

Truly confusing yet always true!

"In every article that mentions you, no matter how complimentary, there will always be one thing said or misquoted that will prevent you from forwarding it to your family."

Mark Murphy said...

Ken:

From my experience, what you say about mohels is also true of anesthesiologists, especially when you're about to have surgery for the first time since your tonsillectomy, when you were a kid.

Unfortunately, you can't win because by the time you figure out where the scalpel is and where precisely to aim it, the doofus has you under before you can reach for it.